February 5, 1999

Softball: A Plea for Sanity

Dear People,

It's 9:30 am Friday and we are still a bit short of a quorum for tomorrow's game. I understand that there may be those who are hesitant to play, what with the overlap of the historical solemnity of the showing of the Lewinsky deposition. Nevertheless, I can tell you that I have gotten an advanced transcript, and in fact the most critical passage just happens to be the following:


Mr Sessenbrenner: Uh, then Ms. Lewinski, not only did he have Betty retrieve all the gifts from under your lair, but you actually got back all the gifts that you had given the President?
Ms. Lewinski (in hushed voice): Uh, yes, uh, that's correct. When Betty came over, she brought the two ties, the cuff links, and the canned watercress. Uhm, yeah, I guess that's all.
Mr. Sessenbrenner: Uh, you mean those were all the gifts that you had given him? There was, umm, I don't want to be indiscrete, but wasn't there something else?
Ms. Lewinski: Well, uhm, I had given him a lavender colored softball for his 49th birthday, but apparently he told Betty that was the one thing he would never give back. Never. I, uhh [starting to gently weep]...uhm, he once told me aerobic exercise was so important to him, and without that ball, he'd probably grow flabby and pasty, and that he couldn't humiliate himself or the American people by letting that happen.....


I think you see my point. It's now 9:40AM Friday morning and we are still several players short of a quorum for tomorrow's game. The US Senate will have no such problem tomorrow morning. Look into your hearts and ask yourselves, "Hey, aren't we as good as the US Senate? Or are we just like them; sex-obsessed out-of-shape dufuses who would rather watch TV then play a sensual game of community softball?" Yes, it's not too late. Make that commit. Do it for the American people, who need a more inspired alternative in this era of confused and tawdry priorities...Raymond