Softball: Another Breakthrough in Quantum Athletics
Dear People,
Jonny’s team staved off my own, 16-12, but let the record show that on the last play of the game, we had the tying run on deck, and that’s after trailing 14-2 as late as the 7th! So the real story is how my side rallied to the edge of destiny in so little time, and of course, the intriguing tale behind that story is the explosive discovery of a dark little secret—yes, an unnoticed, sinister force of nature that had actually held us to just two pathetic little runs for almost the entire game. If you’d be so kind, allow me to peel back the critical layer of this befuddling aerobic onion:
About the 6th inning, I began to feel tremulous and unclean, for even our best hitters were disturbingly lame-ass—grounding to short, constantly popping up and even striking out like drunken dreidels spinning pitifully amuck. At first, I attributed it to Alan Brill’s frightfully effective pitching, for as much as we loved to josh him about his Pirouette-piquée-based curve ball, there was no denying it was an overpowering throw of nearly mystical artistry.
And yet once we focused on the Brillmeister’s actual performance, it soon became clear how he established his dominance. Sure, the trajectories were lovely and the inimitable blend of choreography and softball was utterly sublime, but when push came to shove, we realized that he was tossing actual strikes about once every 15,000 pitches (For a point of reference, Helen Keller once made that exact ball-to-strike ratio, and she was 86 when she came out for the practice!)
In any case, as soon as my bubalas understood what was happening, they quickly shifted their batting tactics, taunting the Alanator with a stark refusal to swing at anything that wasn’t within 15 yards of the plate. As you’d expect, balls accumulated, walks occurred, bases loaded, and suddenly, the entire kinesiologic zeitgeist was turned inside out! Sure enough, Alan instantly tightened his focus and began pitching delicious dead-on strikes, but that only made us determined and bitter. And so, over those last two innings, we scored 10 runs on three walks and a dozen hits in a wave of restorative mojo that redefined the very nature of man, sport and theoretical physics. Oh sure, we still lost despite it all, but that’s totally irrelevant.
No, my friends, the true significance of this last match was the stunning dualistic discovery that the very act of observing Alan’s exasperating wave-like tossage instantly transforms him into a focused particlesque throwing machine of nearly robotic precision. This is not a revelation to be taken lightly, for if I am correct (and I believe I am), the BrilloPadMan is not only a new and towering icon of Plank’s Athletic Constant, but ultimately, he is the only carbon-based entity on earth that is simultaneously a pitcher, a ballerina and a frisky human electron! And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Ray
1/25/08
Softball: Mother Nature—Capricious and Overrated
Dear People,
There will hopefully be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and of now there are still two slots left. Assuming it happens, this week’s field fee is just $3, and that includes a complimentary ten trillion dollar lightning insurance policy for the duration of the match. That’s right; Your heirs will receive big bucks if you’re fried to a crisp by a contemptible bolt from the North Berkeley sky.
Of course you will need to check email on Sunday morning, but as usual, please remember that we are a stout people by temperament and birth, and I will do everything I reasonably can to bring you aerobic release. Courage….Ray 845-7552
1/27/08
Softball/Bowling: 9:45AM: Mother Nature, Enemy of the People…
As you know, whenever I have to cancel a game, my eyes fill with the tears of 1,000 golden-retrievers who’ve just been told that their brains are the size of tiny little raisins. But the hard reality is that Codornices is now a malarial suckswamp of unplayable filth.
Even worse, the Maxwell Astroturf Field is occupied by a bunch of softball-hating Cal Lacrosse Players and the Albany Bowl is already close to full.
You're on your own…Ray ;-(
UPDATE: 10:15AM
Under peer pressure of the Gods: Those who must have their aerobic release and are willing to take a chance of a last minute calamity, all are invited to meet at the brand new Underhill Astroturf Field at the corner of College and Channing at 11AM for a delicious game of ULTIMATE FRISBEE. If we can’t bust in, we’ll do brunch! Carpe Athletic Diem!!…Ray
PS: This is a brand new field; No cleats!!