1/30/02

Softball: Naked

Dear People,

Congratz to all on last week’s 17-13 paragon of taut and bracing aerobicism, played out as it was on the soggy semi-bogiferous grazing grasses of our beloved Codornices homeland. A more finicky or craven people may have demurred under the haunting specter of higher injurial risk, but that’s just not our scene. No, we play when called upon to do so, precisely because peril itself is the nutritive resin that coats our path to destiny.

Of course there are limits to the value of sensible hazard-embracement, and that’s why I was so personally disappointed when I found myself called out twice in three innings as I streaked determinedly toward third. Not because each time I failed to touch base before Micky had his grubby little mitt all over my vulnerable corpus, but rather because I soon began to hear thinly veiled criticism of my refusal to slide (Franklin’s assertion that I was a "gutless athletic disgrace" seems particularly harsh, if for no other reason than he was on my own team).

Regardless, I would like to gently point out that while sliding may indeed have been more "effective," there are completely logical reasons why such an approach just doesn’t work in my specific case. For one thing, I have objectively gorgeous legging skin, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna scrape it all off in a pointless attempt to reach some arbitrarily placed rubber matting before some punk with a ball tags me first. I mean, how puerile is that?! But more fundamentally, I happen to think that the very act is unsightly at best and reckless at worst, and frankly, every time I see it happen, I can’t help but wonder what kind of incalculable damage these zealots are doing to the soil, to their sense of self-respect, and perhaps most importantly, to the delicate dermis of their rosy little heinies.

_______________________

In any case, and as most of you have probably read, Attorney General John Ashcroft has recently ordered that the Justice Department’s statue of The Spirit of Justice be covered with drapes because it features a bare female breast. Apparently, he is embarrassed to be photographed with such suggestive background props, and while you might cynically think that this is further evidence of the AG’s blithering idiocy, I must admit that I myself have felt similar emotions when playing at Codornices. Indeed, sometimes I’ll be struck by the raw nudity of the male rutting yak beyond left field, with their brazenly exposed genitalia swaying to and fro. And yes, I’ll think to myself that our world would be a cleaner and safer place if I could only cover their private parts in $8,000 taxpayer-financed curtains (I don’t often share these feelings, but it is what I believe).

Naturally, the liberal press incessantly points out that the boob in question is of classical Athenian form, has been in place since the Coolidge years, and is, after all, made of rock. Yet I find these arguments both obtuse and irrelevant, for one can not justify filth by hiding behind the well-deserved stature of either the Greeks or the Coolidgians. No, the bottom line is that a deeply misunderstood giant of the present administration has joined me in saying no to mammalian nudeage in the public realm, and for that I am deeply grateful. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Raymond


2/1/02

Softball: Safety First

Dear People,

There will be a game Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and as of now, there are still TWO slots left.

Please bring $2 for the field, which starting this week, and as per my last post-game announcement, will always include a delicious variety of blue, red and mauve dotted softballs, as well as a more robustly stocked assortment of ice packs, pain killers and freshly imported Tanzanian sucking leeches…. Raymond 845-7552