4/28/04
Softball: Some Late Night Web Surfing
Dear People,
Frank’s team beat my own 26-17, and I suppose if he wants to wallow in the glory of that triumph, there’s not much I can do. Still, the hard reality is that it was my side’s very presence under that broiling East Bay sun which showed the true indomitable spirit of what the anthro dudes like to call ‘Athleticus Moderne.’ Indeed, we agreed to play despite the fact that Chris Fure was badly hobbled with an injured heel, Ramona felt fluish and jejune, and Nanci was way late, groggy and deeply embittered by my refusal to let her go back home and sleep through the heat.
Even more catastrophic, Ken’s blazing 3rd inning throw to home ricocheted off the backstop and smashed directly into the bony innocence of my brittle right elbow. For the first five seconds afterward, I was simply heroic in my stoicism, but then much to the chagrin of my loyal teammates, I quickly devolved into the sniveling whiner-pussy that defines my basic character when in pain. This is not a side of myself that makes me "proud," but it is who I am, and if you must know, it is just one more reason why I have now definitively chosen to never give birth.
In any case, and as some of you may have recently read, federal health officials in Wisconsin have seized a handful of Giant East African Land Snails from various elementary schools in Milwaukee and Menasha. These magnificent and utterly gorgeous creatures are just like the garden mollusks we’ve all come to cherish, except for the fact that they’re about 12-15 inches long, or bigger than most butterball turkeys. So in that sense, they’re not really like snails at all, but more like hideous out-of-proportion slime-things that slithered out of The Twilight Zone
[see photo at:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/04/27/bc.giantsnails.ap/index.html ].
Nevertheless, I do not buy official Department of Agriculture declarations which state that they are somehow a threat to human safety. Nor will I engage in a crass game of dehumanization by calling them "illegal," even if they did arrive here without the proper visas. No, my friends, I think what we’re really dealing with here is another battle in the culture wars, for the simple fact is that these majestic gastropods are complete hermaphrodites, each with its own wonderful pair of complimentary muckataillia!
[See final bullet points at http://exoticpets.about.com/cs/rarespecies/p/landsnails.htm ].
Perhaps I’m overly skeptical, but given how squeamish the current administration is about issues of import to the gay, lesbian and transgendered community, my personal guess is that they’re kowtowing to their right wing base by drawing the line at intersexual conch. I suppose that’s no surprise, but let me say here and now that as long as there is wooded Yak-filled tundra beyond the ridge of deep left field, there will be a nurturing shelter for all the Lord’s really freako creations. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond
4/30/05
Softball: My Favorite Section
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11:00, and as of now, there are still four slots left.
Please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only includes my personal post-game tour of the Shovel, Rake and Hoe Aisle of the Emeryville Home Depot….Raymond 845-7552
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