5/28/14

Softball: Considerations on the Great Varieties of Kismet

Dear People,

Let the record show that when Sa'adia's team came to bat in the bottom of the 5th, they faced a cataclysmic 17-6 deficit that pushed them deep into the unseemly protective custody of the 10-Run Mercy Rule (For those who don't understand our cryptic traditions, this is the bitterly resented way in which crumbling contingents are given an extra fourth out to score and an unearned initial out on defense, lest their disgraceful performance logarithmically intensify in a horrid bio-aerobic feedback loop-For a point of reference, see D.K. Slater's investigative masterpiece, Total Losers: Case Studies in the Tragic Confluence of Negative Psychodynamics and Basic Athletic Ineptitude, which, needless to say, should not be confused with K.D. Retal's classic political treatise, 31 Days to Flounder: Electoral Democracy, Unforeseen Croaking and the Pointless Month-Long Presidency of William Henry Harrison, 1841-1841). To be sure, I almost pitied the Saadster and his peeps as they stared into the abyss, and yet already then, I found myself with an eerily prophetic case of nothing less than the collywobbles.

The reason for my jitters was soon apparent, for Sa'adia proceeded to lead his team from the taint of Mercy-Rule protection to the rarefied heights of a full numerical monty. Indeed, they pulverized my own side with 22 unanswered runs before ultimately prevailing on the dialectical disgrace of a double-digit blowout, 31-20, and for that, I blame my teammates (Yeah, those guys, for while it would be “good etiquette” to blame myself as Captain, the fact is that during those two ghastly innings in which the 11-run lead inverted itself whole, I actually made fewer than three errors! Can Chris Fure or Anthony claim that? No, I don't believe they can).

Regardless, our collapse may have been inevitable, for Alan Miller and Dave Ross were at the top of their respective games, with eight hits between them and nearly flawless performances at 1st and 2nd (If by 'flawless,' one's referring to that part of the game that began with the 6th inning). Of course this shouldn't be surprising, since I happen to know that at ages 65 and the cusp-of-70 respectively, this dominant duo of Sa'adia's right-side infield has been seasoned with no less than 122 years of raw softball sagacity.

Now look, I get that big numbers are sometimes hard to grasp, but to make it simple, it's the same as saying that if these venerable giants of our league had been blended into a single kid-call him Dalan-he would've been learning the basics of the game during the waning days of Benjamin Harrison's Presidency! (To clarify, BH was in the White House 122 years ago, from 1889 to 1893, and is not to be confuddled with his eminent grandpapa, William Henry, whose team of doctors treated his post-inaugural cold with castor oil, leeches and snakeweed, in case you were wondering why the pitiful bloke left us so early).

The point is that life's rich pageant is filled with all kinds of whimsical twists of fate, and thus just because your team is up 11 in the 5th, it doesn't mean that you're not going to implode, any more than it means that just because you're the President of America, your doctors aren't going to inadvertently off you with snakeweed. None of this is easy, to be sure, but in the end, I think we all know it's the very reason we play. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning. . . Raymond

PS: Speaking of venerable giants amongst us, I can now confirm that Jonny Sagorin will be flying in from Melbourne to join us this Sunday, after 15 long months away. As many of you old-timers know, Jonny was never one of our moral backbones, but he is the only tri-national player we've ever had, and of course, he remains the most feckless captain in the history of this league.

He's also informed me that he recently suffered a tear in the gluteus minimus muscle of his central left buttock, and therefore our already subdued athletic expectations should be calibrated accordingly.

5/30/14

Softball: The Grand Salons of Malibu

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, and as of now there are still three slots left.

Please bring $4 for the field, which for this week only includes a post-match deep tissue shoulder rub with an optional simultaneous peel of rich glycolic acids and fresh pumpkin enzymes . . . Raymond 845-7552

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