8/14/02

Softball: Foreplay

Dear People,

As best as I can tell, the dozen futilitarians who actually showed up for last Sunday's "game" were forced into some sort of 4 on 4 on 4 freak show in which 3 continuously revolving teams of outfielders, infielders and batters fought to an 11-11-7 semi-tie. Now listen, I am not one of those obstinate conformists who fear the coarsening effects of change itself, and thus while the recreational aesthetics of this event were objectively hideous, I salute Don for the courage to lead, organize and grovel, no matter how pathetic and ineffectual he actually was. In all candor, though, I'm just grateful to have been 1,200 miles away.

Of course we all know that his only real mistake was that he did not nurture and caress and lathe you as a literary people, the way you both deserve and expect. Indeed, I remember back in 1997 when I tried to put together the first email-organized game, and all I wrote to the 20 guys on the list was "Dude, Kleeberger at 11 this Saturday. Be there." I didn't even ask for a commit or offer a confirmation, and thus, sure enough, only four people showed up. As some of you may recall, the resulting humiliation left me so scarred that I initially vowed to give up softball altogether in order to pursue a doctorate in the history of braised organ meats.

I'm not saying that Don should now focus on livers and kibble, but I would gently suggest that the learning curve for the efficacious cyberstroking of the communal ego is both long and steep, and that ultimately, there are no short cuts to galvanizing the human spirit. Yes, you are all part of the greater aerobic whole, but all 293 of you are also unique and complex individuals, each with your own inner child and ceaseless yearnings for unconditional validation (as well as, to be fair, the usual foibles, peccadilloes and unfortunate venereal issues). The point is that I understand this, and I think you understand that I understand this, and while I know that you still feel sullen and unclean, it is now time to move on and return to the hot and lurid love of your fellow athletes. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday noon….Raymond


8/16/02

Softball: Ambrosia

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, and as of now, there are still THREE slots left.

Please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only, and in honor of Elvis Presley’s quarter century of posthumous contributions to pop culture excellence, includes a scrumptious post-game selection of peanut butter and banana sandwiches, Mama’s mashed potatoes and bacon, ham bone dumplings and canned orange soda….Raymond 845-7552

PS: A few week’s ago, Ira inadvertently left behind his beloved left-handed black Wilson glove. As you can imagine, he is crestfallen beyond words, but I believe that if you look deep into your hearts and soiled linen closets, one of you will realize that you have the cherished mitt in question. No, we’ll probably never again see Elvis in our life-times, and even Ted Williams is a long-shot, but won’t you help Ira find the cherished all-grain leathers that have so loyally sheathed his hand for so many years? Bless you….

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