9/3/03
Softball: The Sinister Stones of Space
Dear People,
Congratz to all on last week’s spirited yet slightly-south-of-compelling good ’ol fashioned 24-11 aerobic ass-whuppin. As captain of the pathetic side, I had a lot of soul searching to do that night, for in all candor, I’m not really sure what went wrong. True, Franklin made about 30 pointless errors in less than two hours, but it’s not like shortstop is that decisive a position. And while it cost us both two runs and faith in ourselves, I can’t honestly say that we lost simply because of that ghastly 5th inning spectacle in which Ehud, Steve R, Chris F and Franklin ALL converged on a lazy pop ball, only to curiously let it drop straight through their useless metaphoric net of communal abulia.
No, my friends, these incidents were simply symptoms of a broader team malaise, and while I don’t pretend to fathom its ultimate origins, I can’t help wonder if I erred as game-organizer by putting both athletically excellent cute-Miki and burly, bad and bald-Micky on the same enemy team. That’s just a lot of Mickitude for one contingent to struggle against, and while the sides were theoretically balanced on paper, I find myself questioning whether I simply failed to account for the abstract realities of raw nominal synergy. I honestly don’t know.
In any case, and as most of you have probably read, there is now a disturbing report circulating in the media which claims that a bad-ass asteroid named "2003-QQ47" may strike the earth on March 21, 2014. I’m not going to sugarcoat this for ya—If that son-of-a-bitch does hit us, it will arrive with the explosive power of more than 20 million atomic bombs, and the bottom line is that if this were to happen, the resulting chaos would probably make softball an impossibility for weeks if not months or longer. I’m not writing this to frighten you, but I do think you should be prepared.
However, the latest astronomical calculations also put the odds of this happening at approximately 909,000 to 1. Now look, I know these numbers only serve to confuse, and that not being versed in the craft of actuarial existentialism, you now crave reassurance and context. So let me give it to you in a way you’ll understand: As soon as I read of the latest trajectory assessments, I cross-referenced the interpretive standard deviation of the impact risk with the hitting and fielding data I keep on all of you in my trusty Mach-4 Excel 2i spreadsheet. And after crunching the numbers, I am delighted to report that while yes, there is an undeniable danger of utter calamity, it is actually MORE LIKELY that Nanci would get three base hits in a row than the despicable asteroid would strike us with its evildoer ways! So yes, I think we can all relax and get on with our lives, and therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday Morning….Raymond
9/5/03
Softball: Culture
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11:00, and as of now there is still ONE slot left.
Please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only includes a special post-game recital of Beethoven’s Violin Concerto in D, as performed by the El Sobrante Philharmonic….Raymond 845-7552
PS: The crestfallen owner of much cherished pink Casio watch would like to know if anybody happened to pick it up after last week’s game. So do the right thing and check your backpacks, freezers and wrists.
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