Softball: Breaking Topical
Dear People,
Chris Fure's team slathered my own in the hot and lubricious oils of a totally annoying rout, 22-12. To be sure, they out-hit, out-fielded and even out-classed us in every way that mattered-with the possible exception of Donny, who “escaped” a grisly 3rd-inning pickle by darting a full 10 feet outside the baseline. Such behavior is obviously illicit, but more than that, it was a deeply disturbing act of craven disgrace, and one that he'll clearly need to reflect on for a very long time. 'Nuff said.
Of course what the Furinator's contingent really did was outplay us where it counted most, in the treacherous arena of raw political hardball. I refer you to the top of the 7th, when Paul Fine smashed a blistering 7th-inning RBI straight up the middle. Kora scooped it up with her usual aplomb and appeared to throw the Finester out at 1st, but there was no base coach present and Paul himself claimed he was safe (to be clear, no one doubts that his heart was as pure as virgin myrrh). Now, he may or may not have beaten that ball, but the fact is that this league has been operating under the bitterly contested Davey Rule for at least six months, and that rule states that when a batting team fails to have a base coach, close calls are then made by the most proximate members of the fielding team. My peeps called him out, yet Paul defiantly clung to 1st, and it was at that very moment that I had to ask myself; “Are we a league of laws, or merely virgin myrrh?” I think you see the quandary.
In fact, Paulie's the finest Professor of Botanical Phylogenetics that Cal has ever seen, and I happen to know that when he lectures on the lifecycle of certain Amazonian succulents, he can reduce his undergrad students to tears. Yeah, he's smart, he's gentle and he's that pedagogically alluring. Yet when I calmly reminded him that he was actually out under all the elements of the well-established Davey Rule, he looked at me as if he had suddenly been transformed into Walter White, and I had just accused him of producing the blue at only 71% pure. Moreover, he told me that he simply knew he was safe, that the Davey Rule was bogus, that the American people wanted it repealed, and that he'd bring down the whole game if I didn't leave him alone.
I considered making a stand, but then I thought about all those teary-eyed students and their Amazonian succulents and how they'd probably all concur that the Davey rule actually was bogus. So I gently smiled and walked away, and sure enough, Paulie went on to score and my team proceeded to get totally creamed, but deep in my bosom, I also slowly internalized a valuable lesson. Yeah, come the next aerobitutional crisis, I'll be damned if I allow a small faction of meth-addled anti-Daveyist trouble-makers to cherry-pick the rules by which this league can go about its business (Unless, of course, I don't feel like bickering). And therefore there will be a game at Grove Park this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond
10/4/13
Softball: A Narrative Revision of Serious Import
Dear People,
There will be a game at Grove Park this Sunday at 11, and as of now there are still three slots left.
Please bring $4 for the field, which for this week only includes a brief cross-comparative analysis of the precariously building pressures within both the Northern Hayward Fault and House Speaker Boehner's equally annoying head . . . Raymond 845-7552
PS: For the record, I've received a cornucopia of mail on my reportage of “the succulents incident” at first base in last week's game, and so as a journalist who's always valued accuracy more than anything else, I feel I need to come clean. The fact is that when I typed up Tuesday night's missive, I was feeling sleepy, listless and even jejune, and so I failed to mention the most critical factor of the entire brouhaha.
To wit: Paul Fine did not cling to 1st base in spite of the bitterly contested Davey Rule, but precisely because of it! For what I failed to report is that as soon as the usual bickering broke out, my own team appealed to the judgment of two kindly old bystanders who were sitting on the other side of the fence, directly across from 1st! And yes, they both called Paul safe with more robust conviction than any dumbass base coach could ever muster, and frankly, the fact that they were a couple of booze-hounds who were schnockered beyond repair only adds to the authority of their call.
Indeed, take a look at the key legislative history of the Davey Rule, as codified in the Congressional Record of 4/09/13:
Miller: So you're saying that if there's no base coach, the fielding team makes the call, and that's even if there are neutral bystanders around who happen to see everything.
Davey: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Fine: What if the bystanders are kindly, but shit-faced to the point of being considered both unsightly and legally incapacitated?
Davey: No, that's different. Then they get to make the call.
Weschler: OK, that works. Let's go to Top Dog.
Yeah, scholarly research rocks, but more importantly, I apologize to Paulie, all of you, and of course, those two lovable tosspots . . . R
PPS: A Couple American Classics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwvmpTtYrzY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2D1xACyltQ