Softball: A Blunt Reappraisal of our Aerobic Raison d'être

Dear People,

Kerri’s team stunned Chris Fure’s 22-19, and since I was the omniscient self-appointed umpire, I can say with incontestable Swiss-like neutrality that their victory was both righteous and earned (in a totally arbitrary sort of way, arguably aided by my own incompetence as arbiter). In any case, and for the record, I did not set out to take this role, but we all know that I must be held accountable whenever I overbook the game, no matter how pure my heart or inadvertent my acts. More specifically, if atonement by umpping is the only way to avoid both the chaotic tipping point of a 12-person team as well as the usual punishment of public shaming, permanent disbarment and internal exile in Antioch, then so be it. I have no regrets.

Indeed, at first there was something utterly liberating about being above the fray, for I could suddenly appreciate the sheer beauty of the sport itself—the complex subtlety of its rules, the titillating physics of ball and bat, and of course, the pure determination and innocence of those joyous athletes who play it. In all candor, with their inherent respect for the authority of my office, I had never felt such genuine inner peace.

A bit later, though, those little bastards began to defiantly challenge my calls, the noon-day sun became oppressive, and it soon occurred to me just how utterly inane this game really is—what with it’s pointless circling of this objectively meaningless square, the totally nutso way in which ostensibly rational people frantically run after those stupid leather balls, and of course, most annoyingly, the endless standing around, just standing around. Frankly, I now believe that if we’re to retain our dignity as a people, we’ll need to transition to a more inspiring pastime, such as croquet, competitive eating or nude Greco-Roman twister. Yeah, there are options to ponder in your contemplative toilet time, and therefore there will be a game at Grove this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Sunday morning…Raymond

10/9/09

Softball: Practical

Dear People,

There will be a game at Grove this Sunday at 11, and as of now there are still five slots left.

Please bring $4 for the field, which for this week only includes a magnificent and unabridged Cherokee-Armenian bilingual dictionary . . .Raymond 845-7552
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