10/25/06

Softball: The Varied Strains of Scientific Speculation

Dear People,

Jonny’s team crushed my own 19-6, but just for the record, that’s only because my side managed to load the bases in four separate innings without bringing home even one of those 12 perfectly innocent runners. I have my theories as to how this could’ve happened, but without proof, I’m simply not going to accuse Alan Brill of secretly rubbing a big’ol glob of organic vanilla pine tar into his sneaky little pitcher’s palm every time we put ducks on the pond.

Sure, I’m aware that some of you saw what I saw, but the truth is that I don’t even know what pine tar is, much less why it’s the most cherished gunk in the incorrigible cheater’s vast and clever repertoire. But regardless, I think we all know that if the BrilloPadster fooled my side once, shame on him, though if he fooled us FOUR times, then quadruple shame on him for being so shockingly crafty. I know that sounds sardonic, but as you know, I have to call it as I see it, even if I didn’t.

In any case, this past week’s humiliating score of 19-6 has a certain coincidental resonance for me, for as you know, 19(0)6 was a fateful year for the Bay Area. Well, it turns out that just a few days ago, I learned something truly startling from a sagacious community lurker who is in the process of buying a house on one of those long, winding and perilous roads directly above our homeland. Yes, according to his meticulously detailed risk map, the despicable Hayward fault, which we all know cuts Cal Stadium in two, also slices directly through Codornices, and in fact, the sudden transition from left and centerleft field to the sloped yak-infested tundra just beyond IS the fault itself! God, we are small!

Well, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Oh, Lordy, what if I’m playing center-left when a deep fly ball forces me to scamper toward that very sloped tundra, JUST as a magnitude 9.6 trembler breaks that little bastard for the first time since 1868, causing it to open up like a voraciously famished Hollywood geoslit intent on swallowing me whole?! If that happens, am I morally obligated to still try and catch the ball?” In all candor, that’s a question between you and the Lordy, but I will say this:

While I am not a trained statistician, I know that the odds of such a quake hitting the Bay Area sometime in the next 30 years is only 7 in 10, and that the odds of this trembler occurring on the dastardly Hayward are only 3 in 11.2. Well, since we only play softball once a week, and usually on Sunday mornings (when all the great tectonic plates are known to still be sleeping), the chance of any one of our cherished outfielders ever being swallowed whole by this ever so subtle crack-ridge-monster-thing are, in fact, no more than 2 in 5 over the next 12 months. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond



10/25/06

Softball: An Hour More to Sleep

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and as of now, it is full. As always, please let me know ASAP if you committed and need to cancel, and feel free to contact me later if you’re looking for reopened slots.

This week’s field fee is just $3, and given the intense interest, that includes my solemn pledge to walk straight out to the Hayward fault in deep left field immediately after the game, sit right down on its subtle little spine, and then very calmly try “to reason” with its sassy tectonic emotions. My goal is for a no-tantrum pledge until 2099.

Finally, please note that this weekend marks the end of Daylight Savings. The point is that you need to set your clocks BACK one hour on Saturday night, lest you arrive at the game at 10AM—alone, confused, and yes, once again revealing your inner chronological dufus for all the world to see….Ray 845-7552

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