11/20/02:

Softball: A Tale of Valiant Brain

Dear People,

Congratz to all on last week’s bone-chilling 33-22 rendezvous with disfigurement and destiny. The fact is that Alex---gracile, red-headed and innocent---could not have known what was about to occur as he stoically defended his 2nd base perch with all the usual zeal and je-ne-sais-quoi that makes him such a cherished member of any team that happens to get stuck with him. In any case, with two out, one on and the tension-wrought game tied at 15 in the 5th, big’n bad Dave K suddenly slammed a bouncing chopper directly up the middle, thus triggering in our hero’s eyes a level of focus so rarefied that I was absolutely convinced that the inning was about to end, then and there.

Curiously though, the little bouncing ball did not "cooperate" with Alex’s perceptions of its accelerating trajectory, and thus rather than bounce into the sensual webbing of his beloved glove, the orb smashed directly into his darling upper skullage. Unfortunately, the resulting echo was one of the most ghastly sounds that I had ever heard, not unlike that of a violently thrown billiard ball as it strikes a hollow tin kettle. It was a truly disturbing development, and in all candor, my very first thought was that if his parents sued me for wrongful death, my only hope would be to cross-sue Dave K, if not the entire community.

The good news is that after a few minutes of hallucinatory rest, Alex was up and floundering, and while I have no doubt that his sensory ventricles underwent considerable strain, I believe that signs of Athlete’s Dementia will stay muted for at least the next few months. Even better, his fearless performance served as a galvanizing lynchpin for my team’s ultimate triumph, proving once again that there is no greater inspiration than the tender human head as cranial barricade.

------

As you know, I do not compromise these letters by discursively rambling from one pointless and unrelated subject to another, for unlike many of you, I happen to value basic topical cohesion. Still, I must confess that last night I was going through my biennial review of the CIA’s World Factbook when I felt a sudden wave of overwhelming confusion. Much to my chagrin, I quickly realized that sometime in the last 10 years, and somehow without me noticing, Sri Lanka had moved its capital from Colombo to the leafy suburb of Sri-Jayawardenapura.

Now look, and with all due respect to the Sri Lankerians on this list, I believe this was a truly egregious decision, and I’m not just saying this because I happen to think it was so cool the way the former capital had been named after NBC’s magnificent 1970s detective series (Though indeed, who amongst us has not wondered what it would be like to "be" Peter Falk?) No, I say this because I honestly believe that Sri-Jayawardenapura is the most syllabically pompous name of any major metropolis on the face of this earth, and thus until the Sri-Lankan seat of governance is returned to the phonetic decency of its Colombonian roots, I will do my part by refusing to attend next Spring’s annual Sri-Jayawardenapura Semi-nude Chess, Leather and Synthetic Tofu Garden Fair. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday noon….Raymond



11/20/02

Softball: The Solemn Commitment of a Barren Man

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, but for those who dallied, it is once again, alas, already full. As always, feel free to contact me later about any re-opened slots, and obviously, please contact me asap if you’re a commit who has to bail.

Please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only includes a ceremonial post-game signing of my personal pledge to never dangle a human suckling from the 4th story balcony of any hotel on earth….Raymond

BACK