12/6/06
Softball: Rules and Reflections
Dear People,
In a rare and frightfully-stuffed 24-player, one-ump bacchanal of perilous recreational excellence, Jeff W’s team barely staved off Chris Fure’s, 18-17. This would suggest that the addition of a fifth outfielder in the morally ambiguous position of meandering short-centerleft does not diminish the run-scoring abilities of the opposing contingent. Perhaps, yet the hard reality is that such high athletic density results in excessive noise and bickering as well as heightened risks of collision, confusion and rickets.
I am therefore announcing an arguably painful but necessary system of slot-rationing, which is designed to give me a bit of organizational wiggle room while maintaining the brutal yet vital “22-Max Rule.” Frankly, and despite the obvious Constitutional problems, these new regulations are specifically designed to offer a bit of affirmative action for those with EKIS (Early Kommit Inability Syndrome).
Undoubtedly those of you who always get in fast and play every week are asking yourselves, “Hey, what’s the problem?” Well, just for the sake of example, you may have noticed that Nanci—the moral backbone of the entire softball community!—has not played a game in several weeks. When I saw her the other day and I asked if she had lost her aerobic passion, she looked up at me with those radiant baby-blues, and then tearfully confided that “I got the passion, I got the computer, it’s just that, uh,…I got EKIS, and I got it bad.” In all candor, I basically lost it myself, and as we both wept softly at the counter of a local Der Wienerschnitzel, I vowed right then and there to declare the following:
1) I reserve the right to conditionally wait-list any player who commits on the day the primary email goes out (usually Wednesday), until the following day, IF they had played the previous three games. If that week’s game fills up in the interim, they will be placed on the regular waitlist, but will not be guaranteed a slot.
This rule begins retroactively as of now, which means that a few of you who’ve played for the last three weeks could be notified today that you’ve been put on the conditional wait-list. It does not mean that I don’t cherish each and every one of you, for indeed, my love hath no bounds. Yet in the interests of fairness, I gotta do what I gotta do, lest I once again find myself with Nanci, both of us gently weeping over our soggy, tear-laden Bratwursts.
2) I reserve the right to assign one random, unsuspecting player as the game’s official umpire. For the record, I will try to keep accepted commits to 22, but I may on occasion risk a slight overbooking if circumstances so warrant (‘Lost emails,’ if proven, can also trigger this same situation, which is what happened this last week).
Regardless, no player will ever have ‘to serve’ more than once per calendar year (Which means that Jay Z, who volunteered this last game with honor and distinction, is now safe through 2008). And while it’s true that your decisions as an umpire would likely result in broad and utter disdain from your fellow athletes, you’d still get to savor the raw transitory power of absolute Neroesque authority!
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Before giving in to panic, you should be aware that the community has suffered these periods of imbalance before, and they usually work themselves out over a period of a few weeks. It's unlikely any one player would be locked out by the EKIS rules for more than a couple games over the next several months, and it's more than likely that I'll quietly drop enforcement of them by next Spring. However, I reserve the right to use them whenever these problems occur, from now thru 2046, which, by the way, I just decided to say precisely because I’m not ashamed to admit that I engage in detailed, multi-decade planning.
Finally, I am delighted to report that just a couple hours ago, I got a call from Alex, who is now sleeping warm and cozy in the Motel 6 next to the Toot and Tote Convenience Store on Highway 40, just outside of Russellville, Arkansas! Even better, I’ve already secretly arranged with the motel manager and his wife to have them gently awaken Alex with a tender a cappella rendition of “Take me out to the Ball Game,” sung promptly at 6:00 AM local time!
Yeah, as Alex, Jen, Mikie, Andy and so many others already know, you can take the wandering athlete out of the softball community, but you can’t take the softball community out of their hearts, minds or scattered pride-swollen bosoms. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond
12/6/06
Softball: The Mystery of Nutso Group Behavior
NO TIME/GAME FULL/$3/Patience...Ray
PS: I am well aware that I have not yet responded to several of you, but I promise to do so by this evening, with varying degrees of promise and peril...
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