12/8/99
Softball: The Varied Paths to Fame
Dear People,
Congratz and apologies to all on last weekend’s disconcertingly lopsided 29-7 aerobic circus, the most statistically stunning slaughter in the long history of our people’s honored tradition of taut and balanced competition. As organizer of the two individual teams that produced the wipe-out of record, I must take full responsibility for the collapse of our recreational feng shui, and indeed, while I confess that I actually found a certain inner joy in my own contingent’s ceaseless and utter despair, I vow to do better. Bless you for your forgiveness.
In any case, while I suppose that the anomalous lack of competitive rigor could cause some of you to momentarily lose your softball passion, it just so happens that this Sunday, December 12th, is the 91st anniversary of the birth of Washington Senators’ pitching sensation "Gentle" Dutch Leonard. As you know, this legendary southpaw is the only player in the history of baseball to have lost a ball inside his own trousers, and while the incident in question undoubtedly continues to emotionally scar his progeny, I for one will not cast aspersions.
Although details are muddled, it is now accepted that Dutch was on his way to a two hit shut out of the pernicious Philadelphia Athletics on the steamy afternoon of August 1st, 1944, when A’s catcher Irving Hall slammed an 8th inning knuckle ball right back at the aging icon’s slightly protruding and hairy belly. The Philadelphia Inquirer reported the next day that the Dutchmeister doubled over as soon the ball hit him, and then apparently cupped it ever-so-briefly in his mitt before it slipped unobtrusively down his untucked shirt and into his loosely fitting garment. Immediately afterward, Dutch apparently panicked, and when unable to find the ball, began screaming frantically at his teammates for whatever guidance they could offer. In point of fact though, it had somehow ensconced itself snugly in between the frontal crotch seam of his oversized pants and the tender sackage of his gonadal glory. Yet for nearly a dozen cosmic seconds, Dutch was oblivious, convinced that the orb was elsewhere in the infield, and thus by the time he realized the reality of his world, Hall had already darted beyond first and was well on his way to second base!
While this incident is familiar to most Western scholars, what is less known is that Dutch immediately regained his composure, retired the rest of the side, and went on to three-hit the As in a brilliant 3-0 victory! This, despite the fact that 30,000 As fans heckled him mercilessly for the rest of the game, many even making lurid hand gestures around their crotches as a way to further taunt him. Frankly, I believe that the composure that he showed under such trying circumstances is one of the greatest displays of character in the history of sport, and thus I also believe that it is time to move beyond the years of derision and honor a man whose only athletic sin was a momentary decision to use his groin as an incubator. Therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 1PM, IF I get enough players by this Friday morning. So make that commit; Do it for "Gentle" Dutch Leonard, who 91 years after his birth, remains a towering symbol of the need for well-fitted tailoring in athletic fashion…Raymond
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