12/21/05

Softball: A Modest Dip into the Seasonal Culture Wars

Dear People,

I don’t want to sound sassy, but when I tell friends that the only thing I really like in "nature" are cuddly mammals (your garden-variety big cats, house cats, dogs with Far-Side smiles, certain bears and cows), I have my reasons, and to the extent that it matters, I think that last week’s contemptible game-killing torrential downpour shows the harsh validity of my somewhat out-of-the-mainstream ecostance. Still, I’m not one to dwell on the past, and when it comes to your aerobic health, all I can do is plan intrepidly ahead, one risk-laden weekend at a time.

Now, of course, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "My God, what kind of defiant rain-hating urban nutso plans softball games in the dead of dark, dank winter, AND on the very day that 91.5% of the American People will be celebrating the 2009th anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ (give or take a decade)?" Fair enough. I myself thought hard and deep, and then deep and hard, about this very question, and in the end I felt more conflicted than ever. Yes, perhaps it just ain’t right to plan something so prosaic as softball on such a solemn occasion. But then I started thinking about it some more, and then like all good agnostic secular-humanist Jews, I once again asked myself the only question that really matters; "What would the Lord do?"

Fortunately, I’ve been organizing these games for several years, and thus as you can imagine, I’ve had lots of opportunity to mull that one over. Well, I’m obviously not going to quote from my own Biblical scholarship, and yet I would gently suggest that what I wrote all of you exactly six years ago today, on December 21st, 1999, is as vital and relevant as the morning it was driveled:

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…..I am fully aware that this upcoming weekend marks the birth of the Prince of Peace. I understand that, and I for one am not about to schedule a game that would conflict with the more spiritual foci of our people of faith. Nevertheless, I just happened to be reading through the Gospel according to Matthew when it suddenly struck me that the Mattmesiter’s most compelling contribution was probably his
stirring depiction of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount.

In all candor, I am not an expert in the ancient Hebraic tongues of the Eastern Mediterranean, and yet my own etymological analysis strongly suggests that the Aramaic slang word "mooundt" (meaning literally, "awesome anthill") was somehow translated into ancient Hebrew as their word for "mount," (meaning "nice mountain"), when in reality, the location where Jesus offered his beatitudes was on the "mound" (with a ‘d’).

No, I cannot prove this beyond a doubt, and I certainly do not mean to cast aspersions on the fine folks who toiled at the Department of Translation in King James’ Court. Yet I am suggesting that recent archeological breakthroughs now clearly imply that the ancient Israelites played a club-swinging ball game that was shockingly similar to our modern game of baseball, and more to the point, when Jesus rose to address the multitudes on that fateful ancient day, he did so from the pitcher’s mound at the original Jerusalem Stadium and Rugby Club…..

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Frankly, I now think my linguistic analysis was airtight, but at this
late date, whether I was right or wrong is simply beside the point. In
the six years since I proved that Jesus was the Cy Young of his era, we have seen Godless liberal organizations like Walmart launch a virulent attack on Christmas itself, and thus if I hear just one more of their associates wish me "Happy Holidays," I will not hesitate to take my food, drug and useless-crap buying business to the Lifeway Christian Store next to the Krispy Kreme in the San Leandro Mall. Yeah, I realize that's harsh, but I think we can all agree that in this millennial
battle of good vs. evil, Bill O'Reilly alone is simply not strong enough to
look out for either us or the folks. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Ray


12/23/05


Softball: Hopefully

Dear People,

With some sun, excellent drainage and a little luck, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and as of now there are still five slots left. I realize that uncertainty makes you feel tawdry, but you will need to check email/voicemail that morning around 10AM….Ray 845-7552


12/25/05

Softball: Sunday Morning, 9:30AM: A Brutal Calculus ;-(

Dear People,

As you know, my head implodes with the conflicted emotions of 1,000 Doubting Thomases whenever I face contemptible gray and drizzly climactic conditions that are just benign enough to possibly allow for a game. However, the hard reality is that too many people are coming from too far away to gamble on the kindness of a bunch of insensate people-hating cirrostratus clouds who are pissing scorn as I write this very sentence.

The good news for our communal future is that Codornices was puddle-free yesterday and has clearly been sodded with excellent drainage. The bad news, alas, is that I must responsibly grab the bull by the organizational balls and write out the two most tragic words in the entire English tongue: Game Cancelled.

Patience…Raymond

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